Never as Good as the First Time
by time.forgets
Summary: "San," she whispered from beside me and I was so lost in my thoughts that I jumped, forgetting she was there. "It's fine, no one will know. It can be our secret, no one has to know."
1. Chapter 1

**A.N. Oh god, first Glee/Brittana fic and I don't think I totally have these characters down yet but hey, it's just practice right? This has been stuck in my head for a while so I just hammered it out this morning. It's probably a tad rough but please read and review with what you think of it and how I can improve!**

**Disclaimer: I really don't own these girls...I know, the thought makes me sad too...**

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><p>"I've never kissed anyone."<p>

The statement seemed to hang in the suddenly silent basement and I wanted to hide my head in my hands, I wanted to grab her and shield her from what all the rest of the Cheerios were going to say but more than anything else I wanted to turn back time and tell Brittany to never ever say that.

The noise of twenty whispering and giggling girls was overwhelming me and I quickly downed the shot still resting in front of me from the game. I was supposed to anyway, I had definitely gone further than my innocent best friend. I blocked out the way the girls chaotic laughter had turned into more hushed, scheming whispers because I knew it wasn't going to spell anything good for the confused blonde next to me.

"San, why did the game stop?" she asked me, her soft breath blowing past my ear. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the games had only just started. I smiled tightly instead.

"Hold onto your hat Britt, I think tonight's gunna get crazy."

"But I'm not wearing a hat," I heard her mutter from beside me. I blocked it out, too busy trying to overhear what all the older girls were planning.

It was our first Cheerios sleepover. Quinn, Brittany and I were freshman's, the youngest, hand-picked new recruits and as much as I knew we were good enough to have earned our place on the team, I wasn't sure what Brittany's admission would mean. The Cheerios had a reputation, a very bad one at that, to uphold.

"So wait B, let us get this straight, you've never made out with a guy?"

I stared straight ahead as she shook her head slowly in response, the fact that this was a bad thing not dawning on her at all.

"You haven't even made out with a girl?"

I blushed but I didn't know why. I knew Brittany hadn't made out with a girl but I remembered her curiosity about it when I told her I had. It had been at one of our sleepovers, so common by then that it felt weird to even call it that.

_"What's up?" she had asked me, her soft fingers running across my cheeks. I had tried to act normal but I knew I was quieter than usual and Brittany could read me better than anyone else._

_"I did something today and I'm not sure how I feel about it Britts."_

_I breathed in and tried to ignore the way her fingers had moved to run down my neck. It was just her, she understood me better when she touched me, that's how she learnt things._

_"I kissed another girl."_

_Her fingers stilled, I held my breath and hoped she didn't run away. I couldn't deal with this without Brittany._

_"So?"_

_I breathed out._

But now she was looking at all the older Cheerio's with a nervous look on her face, her hand twitching in her lap.

"No, but I once kissed my-"

"Britt!" I hissed, grabbing onto her wrist, feeling her soft skin as I squeezed and hoping that she understood she was never to finish that sentence with the word _cat._ I felt the tension from my fingers running up my wrist, into my arm and I imagined the indents my fingers would leave on her tiny wrist. I could practically feel them forming. I loosened my grip.

"Wow, well we're going to have to call someone right away. Noah Puckerman is in your year right? He'd totally be up for it."

I snapped my head around from where it had been staring straight ahead. Brittany would not be having her first kiss with Puck. I remembered what it had been like; I ran my free hand over where the bruises had been on my arms for days after. I didn't want that for Britt, she deserved better, she deserved someone who cared and liked her and who would be gentle. Basically none of the Lima-losers from our school.

"She's not making out with Puck."

I saw her head move around to look at me, I saw her small grateful smile but I kept staring at the head cheerleader, my emotionless, bitch mask hard at work.

"Why not?" she questioned, her eyes harder than I liked, the sneer on her face smug and condescending. I knew I couldn't tell the truth so I did what I did best; lied.

"She'll catch something, besides she doesn't even know how to, she can't start with Puckerman, he's top of the food-chain." My argument was solid and my eyes were hard, I knew that challenging the top dog so soon was a bad idea but the thought of Brittany having her first kiss with Puck? It made me sick.

"You have a fair point S. Does this mean you're volunteering yourself to teach her?"

My heart sped up and I couldn't quite remember how to breathe normally.

"Or do you want me to?"

I felt her eyes boring into the side of my head. I didn't want to take away her first kiss but I knew if I didn't then it would still be happening tonight no matter what Brittany wanted. I finally met her eyes and I was surprised at the expression there. None of the anger I had expected. I started to breathe normally again.

"What do you say B?" I asked, jokingly leaning in close, letting my hand run against her thigh gently and letting her know that she could still back out of this if she really wanted, told her without any of the Cheerios in the room realising. I looked up for a second and caught the angry eyes of Quinn. I flinched, knowing she would find this a sin and wrong and everything I shouldn't be doing but Britt's pinky was linked with mine and she was looking up at me shyly, an expression I hadn't seen directed at me since third grade.

I breathed in.

Leaned in.

Breathed out and watched her bright blue eyes flutter closed at the warm air.

I didn't want to do this, not in front of all these quietly giggling girls gathered around to see Britt's first kiss like it was some kind of freak show.

I closed my eyes and ever so gently touched my lips to hers.

She pushed against me softly, it wasn't intense, I didn't want to force her to do anything so after a few seconds I pulled away and tried to ignore the burn on my lips, the heat that was travelling through my body and the fire it her bright eyes.

"See wasn't such a big deal now was it?" the head-cheerleader mocked Brittany, pulling her into a one-armed hug over to the table groaning under drinks. I went to jump up, to stop her from going over there and drinking and becoming a little toy to her but Quinn's cold hands gripped my upper arm as she pulled me harshly in the opposite direction.

I sulked, but followed.

Like always.

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><p>"I'm sorry," I whispered quietly to the still form of Brittany beside me. The sleeping bag made more noise than I would have liked as I rolled to face her and I prayed that everyone remained asleep. I didn't know why but I didn't want anyone else to hear what I was saying. Her blonde hair stood out in the dark room and I smiled gently when I saw her eye flicker open. I knew she wasn't asleep.<p>

"Why?" Such an innocent question, one I didn't really know how to answer. Sorry for kissing you, sorry for taking your first kiss, sorry for it not meaning anything, sorry for feeling something from it, sorry for not being able to protect you any longer, sorry for not protecting you.

I couldn't answer her so I stealthily climbed out of my sleeping bag and slid under her quilt beside her, letting her hands run across my forehead and eyelids and cheeks and letting her read the answer herself. I sighed into the silent room and closed my eyes as she moved closer to wrap her arms around me, seeing me completely.

"It's okay San," she whispered into my hair, understanding our need to be silent, understanding that this was only for us to hear. "It's okay."

I didn't even have a moment to prepare before her lips were pressed on mine once again. She tasted miraculous, the sweetness from the sodas she had drunk clinging to her and making my head spin. Her lips moved against mine, different from when we were in front of everyone, this time it felt like in the movies, like when the hero had saved the damsel in distress, felt more like when I had kissed guys.

But so much better, softer and perfect.

She pressed even closer, her body pressing into all of me, her arms sliding around to rest on my back, her soft fingers pressing gently where my Cheerio's t-shirt ended and the stupid tiny red shorts began and causing a warmth to spread where they met my skin. I didn't think for a second and pushed my tongue into her mouth, swallowing her gasp and tasting a life-time of soda sweetness.

I felt like I was drowning.

She was perfect, so much better at it than any of the loser guys I had been with, her natural grace and talent from dance seeming to flow right into this as her tongue swept across mine making my hands tangle into her hair.

I heard a cough from the other corner and I froze, my lips pulled back to barely a millimetre from hers and my whole body tensed to fly back into my own sleeping bag. None of the other Cheerio's could know about this; what we had done before had been okay, expected with a night full of drinking and a room full of hot teenage girls but what we were doing then wasn't normal. It wasn't what these girls did and it was something that was going to be our secret.

"San," she whispered from beside me and I was so lost in my thoughts that I jumped, forgetting she was there. "It's fine, no one will know. It can be our secret, no one has to know."

And not for the first time I wondered why people thought Brittany was so dumb when she could read so much. I let out the breath I had been holding as her lips met mine again and let her read every inch of me until morning.

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><p><strong>I want your thoughts! So pretty please leave us a review :)<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N. Holy crap! You guys spread the love so much here :) Thanks for so many lovely reviews! The idea for this chapter wasn't in my origional list of ideas but I'm going to try and string these together somewhat logically so while I don't like this one as much, please review and keep reading because I have some (hopefully) good ideas for upcoming chapters. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these guys...we all know what I'd be doing if I did...**

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><p>I knew it was going to happen soon. I had brought it on myself with the making out, the sultry looks, the reputation I built and the way I always made sure my Cheerios skirt showed just too much skin. It didn't mean it still felt wrong though, didn't mean it still felt horrible and painful and rough and just wrong.<p>

I had stood up, looking for my pants and underwear in the mess of his room, my shirt not even removed the whole night. I hadn't even waited until Matt had regained the use of his words which were limited at the best of times before I was dressed, sending him a sultry look as I closed the door behind me. It wasn't until I was on the cold, dark street that I realised I had no idea how I was going to get home and that I had left my shoes somewhere between the doorway and his room. I wiggled my toes, swallowed the thick lump building in my throat and started walking in the opposite direction of where I lived.

I was shaking as I pulled up her window from the tiny gap she had left. I wasn't sure whether to tell her off, make her shut it tight every night so I'd be sure that she was safe or leave it open so, when something happened I knew I could get it. Tonight I was glad that it was open and I kept completely silent as I walked over to her bed.

I watched her.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

She was perfect and beautiful and fragile and so innocent.

Except she wasn't anymore. After that night she had learned. Learned what you had to do be cool, the things she'd have to do to stay at the top of the Cheerios. I was glad because since then she, Quinn and I had risen. Slowly at first but after underhanded comments, blackmailing and more sucking up then I ever thought I would do we were there. No one fucked with us anymore and the Brittany I used to know had slipped away.

She was still gorgeous, slow in her own special way and still able to read me better than anyone else I knew but now when we went out to parties she drank, she hooked up with boys, she hooked up with girls and I knew it was only a matter of time until she did what I had just done.

I clenched my hands into fists to stop them shaking. I didn't want anyone to touch Brittany the way I had been tonight.

I crawled into bed beside her, pushing myself back until I could feel her body, her always burning body. It warmed me up from my barefoot trudge through the suburbs and I tried to calm myself when she rolled over, her arms wrapping around me and settling on my lower back just like every time we had done this since that night.

Her lips were warm. They were more than warm, they were burning and I pulled away suddenly. Her eyes snapped open, looking at me; tired, nervous, fearful. I realised my hands were still shaking so I stuffed them between my knees. Breathe in, breathe out.

"What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?" she asked me, her voice so sleepy and hurt that I couldn't not answer her question as much as I didn't want to. If she saw what I was like now then maybe she might never do it and while it would make me happy, I knew if we wanted to stay at the top I couldn't let that happen.

Her hands fell away from my back and the air felt like ice around the exposed skin. I flinched as her hands came to rest on my cheeks gently and I knew that I couldn't not tell her.

"I had sex." My voice sounded hollow to my own ears and the way her face looked in the far away street light made me regret saying it. It was selfish, I had just wanted her to make me feel better and I had made her feel worse in the process.

"How was it?"

I thought about my eyes, how they kept on flicking around the room before landing on her and her innocent perfection, I thought of how they had looked in that mirror next to Mark's door, wild and haunted. I thought about my toes, half frozen from walking here, my hands barely able to stop shaking long enough to open Brittany's window and how when her lips touched mine it had been the first time it felt really _wrong._ Not because it was her but because I knew what I had done. I knew she could see all of those things, Brittany was slow but she could see me better than anyone and I knew that she would see through my lies.

_It was terrible. I feel dirty. I want to shower with the water so hot I can't feel anything and then I want to come back to bed and let you leave your marks all over my skin instead._

"It was fun."

I didn't breathe as her hands started to move from my cheeks. They ran down my face, so soft and gentle that I couldn't keep back the stupid tear that fell out my eye, landing on the pillow we were sharing with a muted tap. She ignored it though, her hands still moving, running past my neck, down my arms and across each of my fingers.

The more of me she covered the more relaxed I felt and the less I wanted to throw up. She was chasing away the bad memories slowly, burning her handprints where Mike had iced his into my skin until slowly I let my body press into her hands. She was making me feel so much, my stomach was so warm and things that Max had only just started to make me feel were racing around my body, focussing their heat in the skin tight jeans I was still wearing.

"Britt," I whispered as her hands slid onto my bare stomach, a warning. Kissing between friends, best friends like we had done was fine but this; this was making my nerves jump all over the place and I knew that despite how much it was calming me down, I had to stop her. "This is wrong."

But she ignored me, her hands lingering against the steady beat of my heart as her worried face slowly relaxed. I tried to comfort her, I didn't want her to have to worry about me but I couldn't move, my limbs felt infinitely heavy and she was making everything okay.

"Don't..." I started, feeling her run her hands down my legs, right to the end of my toes and back up again and knowing that she shouldn't be doing this but needing her warmth anyway. "Stop."

"It's okay San," she said, comforting me yet again even though I didn't even deserve it. "I'll never stop."

Eventually I went to sleep with my body wrapped in the layer of her touches. It was warm, relaxing and was only amplified by her soft, even breathing against my neck but I could still feel him against me, inside me and I shivered.

I was suddenly ice cold.

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><p><strong>Like? Hate? Review and let me know what you thought :)<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N. I don't even know how this works. I was just in a total weird mood and I just wrote and this spewed out and I still don't know if I like it or not or if I'll keep it up in the morning but right now, here is a chapter. Reviews would be great to let me know that this isn't (or is) as crazy as I fear it is...love you guys anyway- your reviews do make me smile :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Brittany, Santana or any other recognizable characters.**

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><p>I hated how her gaze had lingered on me. I hated it. I wanted to pull out her eyeballs and set them on fire for what that look insinuated but more than anything I hated her because I thought exactly the same thing.<p>

"Simmons if you don't lose the giant slabs of chicken fat dangling from your thighs then your off the Cheerios! This isn't a place for fatties!" Sue Sylvester yelled, her words so harsh and upfront. We were all trying to ignore the way Simmons' eyes filled up with tears and how she gently felt her only slightly large thighs. We were trained to be ruthless and that even meant within our own ranks but then her eyes were wondering, pausing every so often of girls everyone knew to have gained a bit of weight. It was like she was slowly sizing everyone up, making sure that no more cutting remarks needed to be dealt.

When her eyes roamed over my body I shuddered. When her eyes did that stupid double take, judging and calculating I felt like throwing up. I felt Brittany's hand softly reach out for mine when she saw the expression on my face but I kept my pinky locked in, my hand never moving from beside my hip. I didn't want her and her perfect beautiful body at that moment; I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.

Burning with shame and anger I raced out of the gym as soon as we were let out, not even stopping to have a shower. With the way I was feeling now I just wanted to be home by myself, not being followed by a worried Brittany and an evil, smug looking Quinn.

"Santana" Quinn said in her stupid, high, soft voice. I paused but I was quivering with the need to escape.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Don't strangle Quinn.

"There's a party tonight, one of the seniors. You should come." Her voice was cutting through me and I hated the way she tried to have power over me, thinking that I didn't already know about it, like the senior in question hadn't asked me personally, telling me I should come. I thought of the way Sue had paused on me and I stopped myself from yelling. Who knows, I might have needed Quinn if everything went to shit.

I tried to salvage some of my respect though.

"What do you say Britt? Should we grace these guys with our presence?" I kept my tone light so it wouldn't make Brittany sad but my eyes were boring holes into Quinn's head.

"Will there be dancing?" she said and she sounded so innocent and beautiful and fucking _happy_ that the resentment I had felt towards her before vanished in an instant. Quinn's eyes darted between the two of us almost like she could see the battle lines being drawn and I childishly wanted to stride over and grab Brittany so Quinn knew that she didn't control her. No one controlled Brittany.

"Of course," she replied, her eyes wary and harsh and knowing. I smirked; breathed in, breathed out.

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><p>I had lost count of how many drinks I'd had. Every time I'd saunter over to another guy to dance or flirt or make out I'd get another drink thrust into my hand and every time I'd see the way her gaze stopped on me, her eyes judging and I'd drink it as fast as I could without throwing up.<p>

I wasn't sure what I was doing, what my body was feeling anymore but at least the feeling in my chest, the pressure I could barely stand was fading slightly. With every heated look at my scantily clad body I was feeling more powerful, hotter, way too hot to even care what Sue Sylvester thought of me.

But then I'd realise I was thinking about her again and I'd push the nearest guy against a wall, my tongue finding theirs before I could get a good look at their face. I wasn't going to enjoy it anyway so what did it matter what they looked like?

I felt a burning gaze on me and I pulled away from the latest guy to find Brittany watching me. I wanted to not care, I wanted to turn back to big-nose-but-insanely-talented-tongue guy and forget about her and what she thought of me but I couldn't because what she thought of me was a constant pressure on my chest just like Coach Sylvester's.

I wanted to throw up.

But I made my way over to her instead.

I could never stay away from her for long.

"San," she said, her voice barely above a whisper but I'd know that tiny syllable anywhere. I could tell just what she was saying by the way her lips caressed it as it came out of her mouth. I could read the sadness and confusion in her blues eyes a mile away, the disappointment in the way she held her lips. I realised I was staring at her lips and blushed deeply, looking back to her face and hoping no one had noticed. "Why are you doing this?"

I knew I couldn't lie. I never could to her but if she knew she would try to make me feel better and I didn't want words that were supposed to work. I wanted control and I wanted to be wanted.

"I'm just doing what I always do Britt Britt, giving the guys here a little something to remember me by."

"It's not the same tonight!" she almost yelled at me and I tried to keep calm but the way Coach was looking at me before, like I had personally let her down by becoming this disgusting and now Brittany, looking at me like she had no clue who I was. How could she when I didn't even know myself? "You're doing it worse than usual."

Better, Britts. Better than usual.

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><p>I'm not even sure when it got that far but after a few minutes I was putting my clothes back on with a giant empty feeling in my gut. It wasn't as bad as the last time; less pain, less feeling, less time, less light. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me, judge me for the disgusting person I was. It felt like a business transaction after, he thanked me and I gave him a quick squeeze to remember me by.<p>

I wanted to throw up.

I raced to the bathroom, throwing doors open and seeing some things I could never un-see until I finally was able to empty the contents of my stomach. Coughing until the choking feeling running up my neck calmed down. I wasn't sure if it was from the alcohol or from what I had just done.

I gulped down water from the tap, running it over my face until I felt more normal but the tightness in my throat stayed. I couldn't remember how to breathe properly and my breaths turned into gasp.

Breathe in. Breathe in again. Breathe in. Never let anything out.

By the time she found me I was back on the floor, the cool tiles infinitely calming but not enough to stop the gasps and the white haze creeping through the edges of my vision. I clung to her even though I knew somewhere inside my head that I shouldn't be touching her. My brain jumped around until it landed on before. His hands, running, moving, him everywhere. My gasping increased and until I could barely hear what she was saying over the sound of my hysteria. Later I would realise that the alcohol had played a giant part in messing with my emotions but right at that moment, lost on the bathroom floor with Brittany crying and holding me, trying to get me to breathe normally I couldn't help but think it was all because of Coach Sylvester and that look.

Eventually with Britt's heart pounding against my chest, so out of synch with my own that it wasn't funny and the mantra running over and over in my head I managed to calm down. Breathe in, breathe out, it said. Making sure I never forgot how to do it again. When we had both finally calmed down I got to my feet, helping up Brittany before hooking my pinky around her own. I was going to need it to face the party again, face everyone down there again, face Quinn again.

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><p>I felt kind of numb as she moved around me. I could tell she was taking my clothes of, the burn of her hands on my bare skin made me acutely aware of that, but everything else was a blur, like I was seeing it through a curtain. I wanted to shout, to scream at Coach, at everyone but I was tired and Brittany was brushing her fingers carefully across my stomach as she lifted off my shirt.<p>

I wanted to be freaked out, to demand that she stop and explain what the hell she was doing but I couldn't because it felt so right and when she curled up next to me, her bare skin pressing completely into my own I knew it was right, knew she was right.

I let her slightly shaking hands lull me to sleep as tried to not scream.

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><p><strong>If you can make sense out of that then let me know. Seriously.<strong>

**Please review my beautiful, amazing, awesome reviewers and I'll try to update soon :)**

_Also, if you're not too weirded out by this then check out my tumblr. It has writing snippets, links to origional stories and of course beautiful women like Naya Rivera and HeMo on there! :D explodinganyway . tumblr . com _


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N. Okay so I was in a bit of a sappy mood for the start of this one and then horny and then back to my regular angst...so yeah...sorry about the bi-polar chapter then :P Someone asked for some cute Brittana moments so...I think this has gone above and beyond "cute". I hope you guys like it :) Thanks for the reviews and all you guys adding me to your alerts/favourites! I love you all :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any recognizable characters and sadly enough, I don't own any Absinthe at the moment :(**

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><p><em>Forever<em>

We were in my huge backyard, the sky impossibly blue and the weather all kinds of ridiculous clichés but I couldn't deny that it was a perfect moment. I breathed out and looked at the dozing girl beside me, studying the way her eyelashes rested so gently against her pale cheek and realising that for the first time since I had started this weird thing with Puck, started the insane diets that were making my body more like the perfect one beside me and started the stressful rivalry with Quinn born out of our intense need to be on top, I was calm.

"What are you thinking about San?" Britt asked from beside me and I smiled sadly. I had thought she was asleep but I guess she was getting harder to read. I reached my hand across the gap between us, feeling the warm grass before my grazed across her cheek. She was so soft and I smiled goofily, it turning into a scowl when I thought about people's reaction if they could see me right now. "You," I replied simply at let the ridiculously corny statement linger in the perfect air. Today was too good of a day to ruin it with masks of who I was 'supposed to be', not when the blonde moving to sit up next to me knew how fake that all really was.

"You're funny San," she said and the way her laughter weaved through the giant trees made me forget my hunger, made me forget last nights 'date' with Puck that had left me cold and empty and aching and made me forget about Quinn, Coach Sylvester and the Cheerios. I didn't understand how something so simple from Britts could make me forget all my important thoughts but I didn't fight it, just smiled the way only she could make me smile and linked her pinkie with mine.

I wanted to say something perfect. Something that would make her melt the way she made me and something that could guarantee a 'sweet-lady kiss' as Britt had deemed them but my brain was useless with the sappy kind of thoughts I knew I needed so I just breathed her in deeply as her fingers ran all across my face, reading everything I could never say.

I wanted to stay in this moment forever; just floating in her and her smell and her fingers gliding across my skin and the way her blonde hair fell across either side of my face as she leant down, pressing her forehead to mine with a smile. I wanted to be without judging looks and perfect standards that took up every inch of me to maintain and just be with Brittany who managed to look at me and make me believe that I was perfect and nowhere near as good as she was at the same time. I wanted to stay in this little blonde cover she had made us until she knew how I felt, how she made me feel.

Slowly she lowered her head, until I could feel the tiny distance between our lips pulsing with electricity and need. Even slower, she dropped her lips to mine, taking my bottom lip between her own and pulling gently, knowing just how to get a reaction from me. I tasted her, so ridiculously sweet and sugary and I couldn't help but smile, moving my hands from the warm ground to tangle in her soft hair and pull her closer. I wanted to drown in her, to never have to surface and face everyone else ever again. We breathed together, tongues moving softly against each and making me more relaxed and more excited all at the same time.

"Britt," I whimpered when she pulled away and I cursed myself for sounding so weak but then I realised who I was with and just pushed up to catch those sugar lips with my own again. The sun was warm but nothing compared to the heat she was making through right through my body. Slowly she pulled back until we were just peppering tiny kisses across each others face, giggling each time it tickled or I felt my stomach flip as she pulled my earlobe gently.

"San, are we forever?" she asked me, moving away completely and leaving only the sun to warm me. It paled in comparison. I looked up at her, her blue eyes swirling and I was surprised to hear the legitimate fear and concern in her voice. It wasn't often that she was serious but I knew by then that if she was, I was to be completely honest with her.

"Of course Britts. Forever."

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><p>It was such a different scene from where we had been that morning that I felt the walls closing in on me, the loud pounding music invade me ears and make it hard for me to think, to breathe. I remembered what had happened last time we had gone to a party and breathing became even harder. I looked down when I felt the familiar soft skin of Brittany's hand slip into mine and smiled despite the crazy thoughts swirling around my head. I just focussed on the warmth she gave out tried to remember how to breathe.<p>

_Breathe in. Watch_ _as her eyes light up when she sees the makeshift dance floor and try to remember how to breathe out when she drags me along._

I wasn't doing to well and remembering the pattern but now it was because her hands were burning holes through the thin fabric of my dress and her breathing was heavy in the densely packed room and I suddenly couldn't get close enough to her rather than any memory of any boy that I had ever been stupid enough to do something with. Her hands suddenly ran up and down my sides, fingers gliding gently under the swell of my breast and all thoughts of guys left my head.

I followed her natural movements, the way her hips moved seeming to be a part of the music itself, the way she let her head fall back making it seem like there was nothing else she should be doing in this world aside from dancing. I'm sure I didn't look half as graceful or sexy as she did but for once I didn't care, I didn't care about impressing any guys or looking perfect, I was still running off the high from my perfect morning and was happy for it to be just the two of us.

I wondered if she knew the effect she had on me when her thigh moved subtly so it was between my own. I bit back the gasp but surely she must have felt the way my body faltered, all movements stilling for a fraction of a second before starting up with twice as much energy. Her hair was pushed over her shoulder and as I leaned in even closer, to feel her, to smell her, to meld with her the blonde strands surrounded my face, taking me back to this morning and our perfect little cocoon of togetherness. My thigh slipped further between hers and I felt her chest heave as it made contact with the burning heat I had created.

I had forgotten about everyone else but a screaming Puck, jumping up and down with his eyes wide pushed into us, throwing off our movements and causing me to crash back to reality. People were watching us, like really watching us and I could barely breathe with the intensity of all their stares and I pulled away from my perfect best friend who had no idea of the terrible way I was feeling because of that dance. As I marched into the kitchen to get the first drink I could get my hands on I ignored the whistles and yells and tried to remember how to breathe. It was going okay until I looked back to Brittany to see her grinding against some random guy.

I feel sick as I watch them doing a pale, far less sexy imitation of we had been doing seconds earlier. I should have known that Britts didn't want me like that, sure kissing was fun, it gave us this connection and meant she understood me better than anyone else but right now, watching her move so fluidly between guys as she dance, flirty look I had taught her in place I knew it would only ever get that far.

I turned around just as someone was pouring shots, something strong smelling and green into the small glasses. With no other thought in my head other than the way Brittany looked dancing with Mike Chang I downed two quickly. As my vision started to blur and every little thing started to look less important I caught a shaky glance at the label. _Absinthe. _Hmm I was going to have to try that another time.

I whirled around, looking for Brittany, all my inhibitions suddenly gone but she wasn't in the middle of the dance floor any more, she was pressed into the shadows on the side, a big oaf, one of the football players, running his big fat hands clumsily all over her body. I wanted to throw up at the look of lust on her face, the way she bit her lip slightly as he brushed over her breast.

As I shamelessly watched his ungraceful hand dip lower into her jeans I wondered where the girl I had promised to stay forever with was.

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><p><em>Thanks guys for reading :) Please review and tell me what you thought of itwhat you want to see in the future. Also tip; don't randomly have two shots of Absinthe, it will lead to you doing some of the stupidest things you've done (but also the most awesome ;)_


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N. Hey guys, okay first of all some housekeeping...so there are about 50 of you out there who have this story on alert who didn't review...now the main thing that made me continue this past a one shot was your overwhelming response! So would you guys mind maybe dropping in a quick review? Just take two seconds to do it instead of taking three to go '_can I really be bothered?'_ :) And to those who did review, well you know how much I love you. Keep up the excellent work! This chapter is a tad longer than usual but I really actually like it because I think it goes into what (at least my) Santana is thinking a lot. So please review once you get to the end and if you do, you get to imagine me grinning like an idiot at whatever you wrote! **

**/Shameless self promotion/ check out my tumblr exploding. anyway. tumblr. com :) I post bits of writing that aren't quite developed on there and lots of Brittana :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these girls at all.**

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><p>I pushed Brittany's door open gently, praying that maybe she had just forgotten to tell me that she had gone home, that amongst all the drinking an dancing it had just slipped her mind and I would find her safe and alone in her bed. I would climb in beside her, pressing into her warm body just like we did after every party and everything would be okay. I took a few steps inside but the house was eerily silent; Britt's parents being away meant that there was a stillness around that I wasn't used to feeling at her house.<p>

I quickly ran through the dark to her room, my face falling when I saw the empty bed, the cold, still made sheets and the empty bottle of vodka we had shared rolling across the floor. I felt sick and my brain flashed back to the way that creep had been touching her, running his gross hands over her perfect body and kissing her differently to how she usually did; hungrily and like he wanted to own her.

I growled as I wiped the stupid escaping tear and ignored its implications like I was so used to, and so good at doing. I sat on the bed, feeling the way my stomach was clenching and unclenching and wondering when it was that my body had conspired against me to make me feel like complete shit whenever I wasn't around Brittany. I wanted to curl up for a while, just curl up in Britt's room warm bed and forget that she wasn't there, that she was out probably fucking that oaf of a football player, leaving me alone exact like I must have left her alone every time I went out with Puck or Mark or the random parade of guys I relished having wrapped around my little finger but I couldn't. I couldn't because I was completely wrapped in her smell, her presence and Lord Tubbington, as much as I hated him, was meowing from his spot on the floor and I started to cry harder because I knew he missed her too.

I woke up around three in the morning, dazed and confused about where I was but at least feeling more sober and much more sane than the hysterical girl who had appeared before. I felt gross though so I clambered out of bed and into her bathroom, my wide crazy eyes and dark bags in the mirror scaring me more than I thought possible. I splashed water onto my burning eyes and turned away from the mirror, unable to stand looking at myself any longer, my gross waist and hips and breasts, and climbed into the shower.

The water was close to burning and I watched as it slowly turned my skin pink and raw, laughing when I couldn't feel the pain from it until it turned into crying and I sank down on the tiled floor, feeling like such a ridiculous cliché that it made me start laughing again. Maybe I wasn't as sober as I had first thought.

When my body was aching right through from the heat of the water I stumbled out, walking the familiar path back to Brittany's room, wanting nothing more than to crash on her bed and not wake up until things were back to normal, until things were under my control. But I couldn't because when I opened the door to her room Lord Tubbington wasn't the only one waiting for me.

"Brittany?" I spat out, my anger at what she had probably done and the anger at myself for caring so much turning the word I usually savored on my tongue into a rough growl. I wanted to take it back but she was looking at me like she was so confused and she was looking at me like she was perfect and I was perfect and everything was perfect when in reality everything was so fucking far from it that it wasn't funny.

"That was you in the shower? I thought it was the raccoon."

I hated her in that moment. Hated her beautiful face and perfect innocence that even doing whatever she had done with that meathead couldn't ruin and I hated the way my heart was pounding and I felt like crying yet again. I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked above her head, not able to stay mad when her perfect blue eyes were looking at me so brokenly. I focused on her stupid Zac Efron poster, the fact that she'd like him enough to put him on her wall fueling this stupid argumentative mood I had gotten myself into. I wanted to hold back but I could feel bitchy Santana trying to get out, to come and protect me from Brittany and the way she could make me feel so much.

"Why the hell would there be a raccoon in your shower? God, you're so stupid!" I realized what I had said but I was going crazy and didn't notice the sudden impact on Brittany; her face instantly turning from sad and adorable and confused to stormy, hurt and empty. I wanted to pull back, to say I knew she wasn't stupid at all, to tell her exactly how much she could make me feel and the way she could read me like all my thoughts were right on the surface and how someone who could see people like that and then still see the good in them wasn't stupid at all. Someone who could give out their love as easily and trusting as Brittany wasn't stupid, maybe a little naive but never stupid and all of a sudden I felt like the shittiest person in the world for saying that. For putting that look on her face. I was right next to her in a few strides, pulling her closer than ever before so she could feel me, feel how I never meant any of it and I needed her and more than anything I needed her to be okay.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry Britt," I whispered into her hair and I felt her tears start to burn the side of my face as they ran down her cheeks. My arms were completely wrapped around her and I dug my fingernails into my wrist feeling the same lack of feeling from the shower and not knowing what to do other than pull her closer and relish in the fact that I could actually feel the burn when it was her.

"I'm sorry San," she sobbed into me and I pulled her face back gently, trying to wipe away her tears but they were falling too quickly and so I settled for cupping her face gently.

"Why Britt, you did nothing wrong, it was all me, it was my fault. I'm so sorry I'm such a shit person." The words were falling out nearly as fast as her tears and I didn't understand why she was apologizing except if she had done something with him and I couldn't think about that because I was barely staying together as I was. I saw my wrist for a split second as she dropped her head and smiled slightly at red crescents where the skin had broken.

"I did it, just like the other Cheerios said to."

I laughed. I laughed because I didn't know how to process it and I couldn't breathe or think and just like I had wanted to all those months ago when I had first had sex I had climbed in a shower with the water so hot that I couldn't feel it but it was my own marks all over my skin, my own hands that had caused the raised welts on my otherwise empty wrist.

I watched curiously as her face morphed to confusion, probably wondering when I had gone completely insane and I couldn't hold it in any longer, I leant over and kissed her. It was different to how we usually did it; the soft exploring and understanding touches were gone and instead my hands were roaming, determinedly but softly and I wanted her to feel everything that I was feeling and every thought that was going through my head and this goddamn heat that spread through my body every time she was around. I wanted to consume her and I wanted to be consumed by her.

She was pressing in just as close and I knew that I probably shouldn't because she had just done it with Captain McGross but I didn't even care because she was moaning and pressing into me and slowly everything was starting to slow down, starting to feel less crazy. When she pressed forward all of a sudden, pushing us onto her bed I didn't fight it, I smiled into the kiss, just letting myself feel something as her hands ran across my body barely different to usual except entirely different at the same time.

"San," she whispered into my ear softly, her teeth nipping at the earlobe a second later. I shivered, letting out a moan and wondered why it had never felt like this with any of the losers I had had sex with. "I'm sorry I did it with him. I want to do it with you, I've always wanted to do it with you."

I froze. Went completely and utterly still so all I could feel was my pounding heart beating some retarded rhythm with Brittany's. I thought about Kurt. We were only freshman but Kurt was picked on like no other kid had been and already words like "gay" and "fag" were flying around the school. I couldn't be at the bottom, I couldn't be pushed into lockers and I couldn't bring Brittany down with me.

"No Britt." I whispered into her hair. "No, you can't want that."

I felt her shake. Only once, only a tiny shudder but it hurt me more than anything else had in a long time. I didn't understand why she could just get under my skin and make me feel so many different things like that when usually I was so emotionless.

"It's just our secret though, no one will know." I wanted to believe her so badly, I wanted to just surrender to the way my body was feeling and just let myself be with her but I knew that wasn't how it worked. Girls weren't supposed to go together that way, they weren't supposed to love each other the way we did, they weren't supposed to kiss outside of being best friends the way we were doing now and they weren't supposed to do _that_.

"But it's…" I felt her falter, pause and catch on her breath for just a second. We couldn't keep secrets from each other when we were that closely pressed together, every emotion was laid bare. "It's just practicing for boys."

I knew it was an excuse but it was a good one and I knew Brittany would stick by it until I was ready to admit that it wasn't. I was cautious, leaning my forehead back onto her and breathing in _her_ until nothing else mattered and I smiled.

"You're my best friend Britts," I whispered against her lips and my mood turned unbelievably high as she smiled into the kiss and pressed me even further into the bed. I want to stop because my body was burning up, so many emotions were running through me but I couldn't because as scary as it was that I was feeling these things, it was amazing and so I just rolled us over until I was above her, looking down at her messed up perfect hair spread across the pillow, her overly kissed lips and her normally so bright blue eyes dark and penetrating.

I wanted to stay in that moment. Right then we had been safe, we could still go back. I wanted to freeze time so that we could stay in our perfect innocent bubble and be content; not happy, I could never be happy lying like that, but content. Compared to things to come it seemed like the most perfect place to be.

I ran my hand across her stomach, pushing away the fabric of her pyjamas and letting the heat of her body soak into my hand. I was entranced as she moaned when my hand brushed over her breast and before I knew it we were both topless and suddenly we were past coming back from it. The loud pants and quiet giggles that echoed around the otherwise silent house showed exactly what we were heading to and as my body finally took over my brain, giving me and extra shot of confidence, I slipped my hand down her Hello Kitty underwear and watched as she came undone in front of me.


	6. Chapter 6

**A.N. I survived exams guys! So I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while but these were kind of important so I had to study and not get distracted by pretty Brittana stories. This chapter is starting to deal a bit more with 'real life'. School and family and stuff so it's got a bit different tone but, like always, I really really would appreciate some review loving because I'm writing this one for you guys! I've actually started to develop a bit of a plan for the next chapter so that should be out sooner but make sure you keep me motivated ;D **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any recognisable characters.**

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><p>I was usually so cold at nights so when I woke up sweating, my wrist burning and the air around me so heavy and hot that I couldn't breathe, I panicked. I panicked more than I would like to admit and until Brittany shot up beside me, wrapping me in her furnace arms I couldn't quite remember where I was. My mind flicked back to what had happened before then to the dream where the bitch of a head cheerleader had driven her car straight off a cliff, Britts and I unable to move, unable to save ourselves strapped into the back seats.<p>

"Britt," I whispered into her burning neck. "No one can know about this. More than the kisses, more than anything, okay?"

I knew I had gone over the point so many times but last night had crossed a line, one I had never wanted to but somehow always had. Her hands were moving now, sliding across my body and starting a raging inferno that threatened to swallow me whole. I tried to breathe, tried to cool myself down but I could see nothing but her, hear nothing but her shallow breaths, feel nothing but her everywhere, threatening to drive me even closer to insanity than the night and the alcohol that was only just leaving my body had already made me.

"I know," she whispered against my skin, sealing it with an open mouthed kiss on my stomach. I tried to repress the shiver, the sudden explosion of need I felt but it was Brittany and she always saw right through me so instead I just watched, half with curiosity and half with barely contained lust as her kisses dropped lower and lower.

"This changes nothing," I whispered into thick air as she gently pressed her fingers against me and made me feel like no one had ever touched me before.

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><p>When I walked into school Monday morning I had my HBIC face back on. I knew Quinn was at her locker talking to her oafish boy-toy and I kept my face stoic and my pace fast, pushing past idiots who got in my way to get to her. I needed to release some of these goddamn feelings and insulting Quinn's man-candy seemed like the best way to do it. I caught a flash of blonde, not just any blonde but blonde attached to an innocent face, bright eyes that saw me too well, small nose, mouth that was too good at things it shouldn't do. Usually I would stop, wait with an extended pinky for her to link onto and we would march down the hall, smirks in place and not a care in the world but that day I kept my gaze forward and my arms locked down by my side and tried to ignore how my heart sped up.<p>

I didn't care, my body needed to understand that no matter what she had made me feel nights before, there were no feelings. We were just friends, just friends practising for boys. As I swallowed the suddenly thicker air I repeated the mantra over and over in my head, my glare never letting up even when I drew up close to Quinn and the giant attached to her hip.

I wanted Puck. I wanted to screw Puck so hard at that moment that I forgot the way I saw her shoulders slump out the corner of my eyes, the way her bright eyes flickered to the ground probably echoing the confused expression she wore when she woke up that morning to an empty bed and a still dripping shower. Instead I just smiled my trademark bitch smile and told Quinn that she was looking much better, much happier since she went off her diet.

I think I even chuckled to myself as I walked off, storing the horrified self conscious look Quinn sent my retreating back with the rest of the information I could use against her. Quinn had never been on a diet but the thought that she was gaining pounds wouldn't hurt anything but her confidence and that was something I wanted to break down now because inside mine was in such ruins.

I dialled Puck but all I got was the empty beep signalling his phone was off. I didn't have time to worry about where Puck was, I just wanted someone to screw away the thoughts so when I saw Matt, happy football player Matt, and I smiled coyly at him, signalling him to come over and talk with a flick of my ponytail, a swivel of my hips.

"Hey, how was your weekend?" he asked happily and I almost felt bad for what I was about to do but then I remembered how my weekend really was and I smiled even more, leaning right in until I was by his ear. He smelt weird. Too strong and I resisted the urge to cough because once I started I didn't know if I was going to be able to stop. _I need you to help me with something,_ I felt myself say but the words were just a buzzing in my head getting louder when I saw blonde hair over his shoulder. I closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the fuzzy noise. _I have a practical assignment._ I could feel his breathing going funny and I wondered if he'd done this before and for a second I worried. But he was a footballer and footballers, except for Quinn's oaf, prided themselves in their so called ability to sleep with girls so I pushed down the bile travelling up my throat and let my lips brush over his ear. It wasn't right. Too rough, too strong, too everything but Brittany was still in my head and Quinn looking so fucking happy with her stupid boyfriend was making me push this further than it should go.

_In Sex Ed._

The words slipped out and before I really knew what I was doing I had him pushed against the inside of a janitor's closet. Classy, I know. His tongue was thick and clumsy and his hands felt like ice against my skin. I wanted to throw up again, to stop whatever the fuck this was because his hands were shaking and I was really starting to doubt that he had done this before but I was too far gone.

I grabbed him through his jeans, smirking at the noise he made, that I made him make and I let the buzzing take over my head until I forgot where I was. Ten minutes later I climbed out of the closet, fixing my hair and lipstick and making my way to the missed Sex Ed. class without looking back at the giant mess I had just made. For a second I thought I saw Brittany making her way out of the girls' toilets, blue eyes sad and hurt and so fucking knowing but I blinked and it was just some ditzy Junior. I couldn't breathe though so I pushed into the space where vision-Brittany had appeared from and pressed my hands to my head until the pressure made me stop feeling like I was going to explode.

I finally pulled my hands away from my head, breathing in deeply when I felt the bile rise to my throat. I wanted to yell and scream at whatever fucked up god was doing this to me but I didn't because truthfully? I knew it was all my fault. It was just like they said in the stupid science class I was going to skip next. Every action has a reaction. I felt my reaction climb further up my throat until I couldn't hold it back any longer and I flew into a cubicle, the vomit leaving my throat raw and my eyes wet.

I pulled off some toilet paper, wiping the mascara that had surely run halfway down my face and slowly started to fix myself up; face, clothes, emotions. By the time I stepped out of my cubicle and into the stock still form of Rachel Berry I felt almost back to normal. The stupid shocked expression on the dwarf's face made me sure what she thought I was doing in there and while the thought didn't appeal to me, I wanted everyone to think that I looked like this without any effort on my part at all, it was a damn sight better than what I had been in there for. I shot her a condescending smirk, bumping her shoulder hard as I walked out. I think she might have fallen to the ground but I didn't stop to look, I never really cared about a bit of collateral damage.

I didn't want to go back to the stupid sex ed. class where Matt was probably sitting, furiously taking notes for the few minutes he missed like the good little student he was. The thought made me smile and before I could keep it buckled under, a laugh escaped, piercing the empty corridors and making the janitor walking slowly past stare at me curiously. I changed directions suddenly and I was sure that if the janitor hadn't been halfway through his teapot already he would have thought something seriously screwed was up. He was already looking at the exit sign like it might provide some sort of answer and so I barely even looked at him as I swept past into the parking lot.

The air was cold. I breathed in and let the frigidness seep into my lungs until I felt like I was slightly calm again. I saw Puck sitting in his car, smoke slowly filling up the inside and making it hard to see his head through the haze. I smirked and ran over, my cheerio shoes making barely any noise against the ground. I took one last breath of icy air before diving into the smoky heat filled car. I knew Britt would wonder where I was in science, the talk about _ignoring_ air resistance probably confusing her since I wasn't there to tell her that it was only so the numbers worked out but I needed to forget. I needed to forget the way her hands slid up my sides, I needed to forget the way she burned through every part of, how she burned right inside me and then I needed to forget the way I tried to forget her.

As Puck passed me the joint without a word, I felt a different kind of burn travel down my body. I didn't stop until everything swam for a second, letting the smoke out in a fast paced stream. I wanted to care about the fact that it would so easy for a teacher to catch us, for another student to rat us out but the drugs were slowly taking over my system, making the startling clear memories of Brittany and her hands on every single inch of me, blur along the edges. I let out a husky laugh. The way she had looked at me when her fingers slid inside me didn't seem too serious, too terrible now. In fact, remembering the blurred version of what had happened as I sucked in more and more smoke was making me uncomfortably hot. I tried to blame in on the car but when I realised I was grinding down into the leather seat, trying to get something, any kind of pressure I knew it was a stupid excuse.

"Did Britt find you Saturday night?" Puck asked, his words swirling around the car like the smoke we were exhaling like trains. I sucked in the last of the joint, coughing a bit as I tasted paper. I had turned to face Puck but he was already handing me another one, the lighter sparking in his hand as he moved closer.

"Yeah," I replied, my mind once again flicking back to her, the way she moved when I moved my fingers just so, the way her body responded like she was dancing. I shook my head and let the next confession come out with a stream of smoke. "We had sex." I hadn't meant to say it but my chest felt like a whole fucking car had come off it and I giggled as I passed the joint across. When Puck didn't take it from me right away I turned in my seat, suddenly so fucking aware about what I had just said, about the seriousness of what I had let slip.

I wanted to grab the words still hanging in the air with the smoke and pull them back inside but I couldn't and Puck was still silent and staring at me like I had told him I was having his love child or something. I hung my head. I tried to remember how to breathe again but the smoke was so dense and it was making my throat burn even more and I didn't even realise I was crying until I tasted the saltiness on my lips.

"Hot," he simply said, his shocked face turning into a perverted grin and I wanted to punch him so hard for scaring me but I was too busy wiping my face furiously and trying to ignore the fact that I had never been that scared in my life ever. He looked over and me and his grin got even sleazier and soon both of us were laughing, tears streaming down our faces and the joint slowly burning down to a stub in my fingers.

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><p>I pushed him into my room, his shirt already off and my hands making quick work of his pants. I didn't really know what I wanted, all I knew was that his mouth was warm and familiar and safe. His hands didn't burn skin as they slid up my top. We both laughed when we crashed into the bed and I didn't even remember when I had taken off the rest of my clothes. He pushed into me harshly but I was more used to it now and the weed was dulling my feelings so I just giggled, laughing harder as an offended expression flitted across Puck's face.<p>

I really wanted tacos.

All of a sudden he was moving inside me though and I couldn't deny that it was what I needed. I closed my eyes, biting my lip when I remembered the way her hands had skimmed across my chest, remembered how pale she looked against my dark skin, the moan she let out as I bit gently on her neck. Suddenly the activities I was in felt so much better and I moved faster, my eyes clenched shut because I knew if I opened them I wouldn't be able to face what I was doing, once again. A buzzing slowly filled my ears as the noises he was making got louder and I welcomed the dark, quiet space, leaving my body to focus on nothing at all but feeling.

When he immediately rolled over and fell asleep, I didn't get angry like usual. Instead, I let the bit of drugs clouding my head lull me into sleep, Puck's warm body beside me like a heater.

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><p>I woke up wanting to scream. There was pressure, so much pressure around me and I was burning so much more than that night I had fucked Brittany. I felt like screaming, like crying, like throwing up because I couldn't think or breathe but instead I tried to calm down my almost panic attack until it was just a dull thumping in my ear.<p>

It was strange because usually I slept alone, whoever I had fucked earlier not even thought about. Usually the empty part of the bed felt so fucking big and I felt so small that I had to curl up tight, my head underneath the blankets so I could feel some kind of warmth. No matter what I was always cold. That evening though, 7:00 blinking at me in harsh red letters, there were two people next to me. I felt like I couldn't breathe again because Brittany must have come looking for me when she couldn't find me at school and her body was pressed against mine so fucking hard. I was wedged between her and Puck and I could feel them both like furnaces either side of me and my usually freezing toes were gently resting on someone's calf.

For one second I thought to myself that I might want that; want someone to keep me warm but then the heat was pressing down on me and I couldn't move between them. I tried to stick my foot out of the blankets because it was burning and I was burning and I couldn't do anything about it and sure, being cold isn't fun but I just wanted to be alone.

I tried to lift myself up but two arms were threading across my body. I want to scream at them both to let go, I wanted to scream at Puck for still being in my bed and I wanted to scream at Brittany because she was here. Because she had seen me with Puck. Because if I didn't scream at her then I might kiss her and never stop.

I felt the clicking steps before I heard them and barely had a second to push Puck off the bed before my mother was opening the door to my room, barely a knock to announce herself. Having Puck on the floor didn't do much, the room still smelt like sex and a little like the weed that clung to my clothes. I knew that my mother knew I had never lived an innocent lifestyle but when Brittany's head popped up on the other side of the bed, her arm securely burning into my stomach and her hair mussed from sleeping, the look on my mother's face was priceless.

"Dinner will be ready in ten, mija," she called out. "Will we be having guests?" I literally wanted to run and give my mum a hug for the way she kept her face completely neutral while asking; as if Puck in nothing but Superman boxers counted a _guest_.

"No," I replied firmly, feeling the way Brittany's face dropped behind me deep in my chest. I couldn't deal with her right now, not while I was feeling like this. "No, it's just me."

_Just me,_ echoed through my head as Puck slowly put his clothes back on. _Just me_, swirling around my brain as Brittany picked up her Cheerios jacket before putting on her shoes. _Just me, _on repeat as I was left alone, the click of my door closing the only noise outside my screaming head.

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><p><em>Please review guys, I love hearing what you think about their characterization, stuff you like (or don't like) and things you want me to put in future chapters.<em>


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N.** Okay, so all your reviews for the last chapter were amazing! I seriously was so happy to read that you guys were connecting to it and liking it and all that jazz. I hope that this chapter, while a little crazy, will get the same kind of response. This chapter got a little racier and I'm using more and more swearing so I'm going to up the rating to an M. I hope this doesn't put anyone off reading it, I just don't want this story to be taken down or anything.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any recognizable characters.

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><p>She found me leaning across the railing of the bridge.<p>

"You're not going to jump are you?"

I looked at the inch of muddy water a metre below me.

"No Britt," I replied, my voice surprisingly normal for the crazy thoughts going through my head. "I won't jump."

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><p>Puck had always smelt the same. If I wasn't so sure that I was only using him to screw away the image of the one time with Brittany, I would almost find it comforting. He buttoned up his pants while smiling sadly at me and his face was more knowing than I ever wanted it to be. He was to be used as a warm body to chase away memories; not a confidant, not someone I could trust, not a friend.<p>

"You're buying me a burger," I spoke to the empty space above his bed. Eye contact was something that these after-sex talks ran smoother without. My mind whirred for a second, almost stilling on a thought as my hands stuffed my bra into my bag and tugged down my shirt. I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go but I hadn't spoken to her other than Cheerios locker room chat since the day on the bridge and if the increase in numbers of guys I'd fucked was any indication, it was only making me crazier. "And then take me to Brittany's."

If he was surprised, he didn't show it and I silently thanked him for not being weird and for the fact that he had been high when I first told him about what happened. Sure, afterwards he had made an obscene amount of threesome requests, even offering to just sit and watch when I had told him to fuck off, but he had never brought it up around anyone, even his wanky football buddies. Sometimes I thought I underestimated how good of a guy Puck really was but then he'd make a perverted comment about Brittany or Quinn or any other girl at McKinley and I wouldn't care when my nails left tiny raised welts down his chest.

"Let's go," he replied, pulling me from my crazy thoughts and opening the door to the freezing Lima air.

Once we were in the car the silence was giant. I felt it pressing in on my chest and I tried to remember what I would say in this situation, what any functioning person would say but I couldn't even think and soon the silence pressure became worse until I couldn't breathe. I didn't even notice the panic attack happening until I started to come down from it and we were pulled off to the side of the road, Puck's hand awkwardly rubbing my shoulder and his face more serious than I had ever seen it. I wanted to puke but Puck would kill me so I just looked up at him through my still watering eyes.

"Can we skip burgers?"

I could tell he wanted to say something, probably ask if I wanted to make it a common occurrence to cry when I was around him but I was so ashamed that I couldn't control myself. I turned around in my seat until I was no longer facing him, closing my eyes against the pounding rhythm in my head.

When I opened my eyes next we were outside Brittany's house. Puck must have texted her because I could see a Britt sized shadow on the porch and my breath caught in my throat as I watched at how gracefully her body unfurled. Ignoring her for the past few weeks had made me forget just how beautiful she was, how much I needed her.

She skipped down the steps, her shadow body so small and flowing. She moved like she was dancing everywhere, even managing to look graceful as she tripped over a crack in the path. She opened my car door before I had even torn my thoughts away from her body and when her warm, soft fingers wiped my smeared make-up from under my eyes I finally felt the big ball of pressure lift off me.

"You'll take care of her?" Puck asked gruffly from beside me and I tried to ignore how much it sounded like he cared.

We walked together to the front door and her hand was burning through my shirt, the heat radiating from my lower back to every inch of me. When we finally reached the door I tried to remember what I was supposed to do. I stared at the handle, knew I had to open it and knowing how but unable to fucking move. It was Brittany's house, her home and opening the door was somehow such a big deal and I couldn't remember how to move my body. She smiled at me, comforting, familiar, like we were eight years old and having our first sleep over instead of sixteen. She reached across me, keeping her other burning hand on me, keeping me grounded and I resisted the urge to start crying. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore except for the heavy weight of her hand pressing into my back, guiding me through her dark house.

It felt like years ago when I had been in the exact same position; sitting silently on Brittany's bed as she gently removed all my clothes. Everything around me seemed muted in comparison to her soft touches, her fingers brushing across my stomach, her lips on my bare shoulder. The time before I had been so afraid of what it meant; that my best friend was stripping me down until I was shaking and bare but as I sat on her bed, Lord Tubbington twitching on his rug in the corner and Brittany's eyes burning into mine, I felt a calm that I had missed since ignoring her.

"It's okay," she whispered, taking my wide-eyed gaze for fear but I knew it wasn't. It just felt like I was looking at her for the first time. I felt the same wonder and amazement as in third grade when she had linked her pinky with mine in silent reading and declared us best friends. Even back then I knew she was going to be a force to be reckoned with.

Brittany's familiar perfume filled my senses all of a sudden, instantly making me aware of my lack of clothes. Her silky skin slid across mine as she pressed me onto her bed and I tried to tell her no, that I had just fucked Puck and he was still on me and in me but her kisses were light, barely touching my skin and every part of me was tingling. I finally surrendered to my feelings and pushed closer to her, sighing deeply as my lips finally met hers.

My back arched as her fingers travelled a path that shouldn't have been familiar. My teeth sunk hard into my lower lip as her own ran down my neck and onto my breast and my hips pushed up, moving into the motion as she thrust two fingers inside me. She shouldn't have been as good as that as she was, I wanted her to not be so I could want this less, so we could go back to being best friends but then her thumb circled my clit slowly and any regret I had slid into the freezing night.

I hoped to whatever fucked up person was running this place that Brittany's parents weren't home because I couldn't keep silent even when Brittany slid her body along mine to press her lips hard against my own.

"Britt," I moaned as her hand pulled my wrists one by one above my head, pressing them hard into the pillow. I didn't want that, I wanted my hands to run over every inch of her, to make sure she was real and to commit every part of this to memory because I knew the chances of me freaking out and ignoring her again were high. I didn't though, I let her hold me down and when she pushed a third finger into me, her thumb rubbing hard across my clit I yelled her name, my voice low and hoarse. I pushed my body completely into hers, feeling every part of her mould into me as I came down.

I didn't want to open my eyes, I didn't want to see exactly what she was feeling in her expression and I didn't want to freak out when I had to face reality. I did open them though, I did because I could feel the way she sat up, her thighs clenching nervously around my hips and I did because I would do anything for her to not feel scared or worried or sad. When my eyes opened to Brittany 's fingers in her mouth, sucking clean my mess she had caused, any freaking out left my mind and I rolled us over, needing nothing more than Brittany moaning beneath me.

I leant down until my lips were an inch above hers. I marvelled at how much of a contrast there was between our hair as the strands mingled, I watched closely as her face became more and more impatient, felt as her body started to writhe under me. My lips lowered slowly, the warmth of her face and her mouth brushing across them before her own did. I caught her bottom lip softly, sucking until she let out a soft sigh and moved so her hands could run down my sides.

I moved down her body, wanting to taste more of her and it wasn't until my mouth was running down her clenching stomach that I heard the creak of the stairs, a crash of plates in the kitchen. When the floor just outside Brittany's door creaked I didn't even stop to think, just threw the blanket over the both of us, lying as flat as I could to try and remain inconspicuous.

"Hey Britt, you awake?" a deep voice I knew nearly as well as my own dad's asked from the doorway.

"Yeah," she replied and I smirked under the stifling blankets when I heard how much lower and breathier her voice was than usual.

"Did you get Emily off to bed early?" he asked and I started to feel the heat of the blankets getting heavier, pressing down on me, trapping me. Britt's little sister had been here yet Brittany had come outside to take care of me, had fucked me. The air was getting thick and I needed to stick my head out to remember how to breathe. In, out, in, out. The air was like syrup.

"Yeah, she crashed ages ago."

When the door clicked shut Brittany threw up the covers, letting in a wave of cool air and I tried to suck down as much of it as I could, my head swimming from the deep breaths. The covers settled over the top of us and once Brittany crawled down to come face to face with me, I could barely see her features. She brought up a hand, letting it run down my cheek and I wondered when our relationship had switched from me comforting her to her comforting me. I didn't like it; I wanted to be the strong Santana who protected her after a bad nightmare, not the mess of a girl who caused them. Her lips pressed quickly against my own and the heat of under the blankets started to creep through my lungs.

"Can we sleep now?" Brittany asked me, her voice soft under our safe covers and I thanked god that she could read me better than anyone else, knew that sleep was exactly what I needed.

"Okay," I replied just as softly. "But pyjamas Britt-Britt, I don't want your parents thinking anything weird." She was out of the covers and rifling through her closet in a second. I peeked my head out from underneath and tried to tell myself I was just appreciating the beauty of my best friend and not blatantly perving on her still naked, lithe body.

She chucked me a pink shirt and stripy underwear like she knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in the clothes that reminded me of Puck and the mess that was earlier tonight, and crawled in beside me, snuggling up and warming right to my insides. It wasn't a burn then, not a searing pain that made me simultaneously flinch away and move close. It was an even warmth, spreading through me and making me think that maybe things would be okay, that maybe other best friends did this and no one got hurt in the end, that maybe we would just stay safe and happy in our cocoon of blankets forever.

I knew it wasn't the case though, I had been at McKinley long enough to know that if people found out they wouldn't leave us alone, that no matter high on the food chain we were they would still find a way to bring us down.

"Stop thinking, you're brain is making noises," Britt murmured against the top of my head and I tried to match my breathing with hers, match my heartbeat so I could focus on something other than the thoughts running through my head, but my breathing wouldn't even out and my heart was always racing ahead.


	8. Chapter 8

**A.N.** Okay so I have a lot of reasons why this is late the main one being, I was in hospital with no computer or internet but, I'm here now. And I finally managed to pound out this chapter after a week or so of just staring at it. I know it's been a while but I really hope you guys review! This story it getting a lot of favourites and alerts so it would make me really happy to see a bunch of reviews- it doesn't take long to say you liked it or not (or if you're feeling really generous- why). That's all I have to say other than...it's probably only going to get crazier from here, I hope you guys are ready for this.

**Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, I am merely bringing them out to play for a little while.**

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><p>Glee club. It was a state of mind I didn't want to enter into. Sure I loved singing and getting to see Brittany dance outside the confines of my room was amazing but I still hated the feeling of dread every time I walked into the stupid choir room; like my unconscious mind knew exactly how much it was going to screw me up, how much I would make me lose. If it wasn't for Quinn, the way she knew how much control she really had over me and Brittany, the way she had no clue of how much control she had, I wouldn't be going anywhere near the club full of losers.<p>

"Why don't you want to join Glee?" Brittany whined as she pressed against me, making my mind flick to that thing that we were never doing again. Best friends didn't do that. "You're an amazing singer and dancing is so much fun." She was whispering in my ear, dropping the softest kisses across it and on to my neck. Friends could do this, couldn't they? I thought as her lips became more and more insistent, pulling gently on my skin and drawing out something that was definitely not a moan.

Friends didn't make friends moan.

"Glee club is for losers. Do you want to be a loser?" My question lost most of its snark as Brittany moved to run her tongue across my collar bone, her hands ghosting up my sides. I tried to push the friend boundary further but as her hands moved to my thighs, running higher and higher, I knew that friends did nothing like that. I thought about what I did with Puck; the sex without feelings, without words. I thought about sex with Brittany; the emotions that were so intense, the feelings she brought up inside me, how I wanted to touch her as much as I wanted her to touch me, how I could barely go a day without thinking what she did to me.

"You know this is just sex right?" I said to the ceiling before her tongue ran across my breast, making my back arch even through the shirt. "This isn't about feelings or dating or anything." I was gasping out my words by that point, hoping that the hand rubbing me hard through my panties was her agreeing. "Because sex isn't dating," I managed to get out before Brittany looked up at me with a look on her face that made me heart beat so hard that my blood feel like it was on fire. She pulled my panties off, throwing them on to my floor, moving until she was between my thighs, the look still on her face.

"I know."

When her nails bit hard into my hips, keeping me down and reminding more than anything of Puck, I wondered if I had made the right call. Sex with Brittany could be like that, it didn't have to start or end with me crying, we didn't have to be gentle and beautiful and move like we belonged together. It could mean nothing. I bit my lip as Brittany thrust three fingers inside me harshly and proved I was right.

I felt empty when I rolled off of Puck, my face as neutral as when I came in. Puck could usually get me off okay but since me and Brittany had become unofficial fuck-buddies, sex with her was becoming even hotter. The emotional side of it had pretty much disappeared leaving it easy for us to just muck around, attempting new things like shower sex until we were aching the next morning. Having no emotions made it easier and I was panicking less, so much serotonin being buzzed into my system by her fingers, her tongue that I felt constantly on an emotional high.

But it made every other feeling seem less...intense.

"Are you okay?" I almost cracked up laughing at the awkward question, soft despite Puck's gruff voice, but I figured it wouldn't do much to prove my sanity. I ran my hand over my neck, I could feel the starts of a hickey, subtle bite marks and I nearly whimpered at the thought of him marking me like that. I wasn't his to play with.

"May if you learnt to control that tongue of yours I'd be better," I said to the open door of his wardrobe. Eye contact after was a no, of course.

I didn't stay to see what his reaction was, closing the front door with a gentle click and making the pathway I knew better than anything else. I felt the pavement freeze my feet and it wasn't until I was halfway to Brittany's that I even realised that I had left my shoes at Puck's. I squatted down at the sudden realisation, my body finally catching up to me and making me aware of pain. It was everywhere. My neck burned where his teeth had dug in, my back burned from short, unkempt nails, my legs burned from needing to constantly assure my position on top, I could feel all my muscles clenching because of the swiftly he had plunged into me and I could feel my throat burning, trying to hold back tears.

When did I feel so...tired.

I tried to force myself off the curb, tried to get my feet moving me to Brittany's but I was stuck. I finally let out a single tear when I realised it was because I didn't want to face her. I didn't want to see her, make her think that I was only there to fuck, have her nails digging into as harshly as Puck's had. I didn't want a quick, hard screw; I wanted someone to curl up with, to whisper in my ear that I was perfect, to help me even out the crazy rhythm my heart was beating out. I wanted to be taken care of and I wanted Brittany; not conveniently amazing fuck Brittany but my Brittany, the girl who I had promised to be with forever.

By the time my brain had caught up with my body I was at my front door, the number _seven hundred and ninety nine_ dying on my lips as I counted my final step. When I heard the muted yells from inside I almost turned around and counted eight hundred steps back to where I was but instead I opened the door as quietly as possible, flinching as the yelling became louder. I felt every word, every accusation my parents were throwing at each other and I tried to block out the noise, the feeling by counting back down again. I got down to seven hundred and twenty, the numbers echoing through my head before my mother cornered me in the lounge room, her face red from yelling and her fists clenching and unclenching slowly. I felt my own hands mimicking the movement, the bones clicking uncomfortably as I squeezed tightly, an emotionless mask turned towards my mother.

I pushed past her before she started talking, not needing to hear whatever it was that I had done wrong this time.

"Dinner soon Santana," she called up the stairs I was disappearing into. I thought about the last Cheerios practise; how hard I had landed my handspring, the subtle grimace of the junior who caught me after a lift. I thought of Brittany moving in Glee club, how she had looked as we fucked against her parents full length mirror, how I had looked.

"I ate at Puck's."

When I got to the bathroom I pulled my shirt off, moving to stand in front of the mirror. I breathed in and traced the bump of each rib, pushing hard over the last one and hearing a dull thump. It felt weird not to see Brittany behind me, a sly smile as she moved into the shower, hips moving teasingly. I had gotten so used to our carefree sex marathon over the last couple of weeks that my fingers instantly tingled when I realised I hadn't run them across her skin, hadn't had them inside of her for days. I shook them out, feeling the tingling move up my wrist for a second, turning into a burn on the three pink crescents still carved in there. I scratched at it, picking the scar off of the largest one yet again and watching the small dent fill with red.

I swung my arms down, pulling off the rest of my clothes without looking at myself in the mirror before turning on the shower. I wanted to put it on burning, to feel as stripped bare as I had that night as Brittany's but I could feel the sane part of my brain fighting it, moving my hand and making sure the cold tap was turned up enough. The sane part kept up with the routine, rubbing shampoo into my hair, soap into my skin while the crazy part watched as a line of blood wrapped itself around my forearm as it dripped onto the tiled floor.

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><p>"So," my mom started, taking a hesitant step into my room. I would be hesitant too with what she was met with the last time she stepped in here. "You were at Puck's tonight?" I could practically hear the disdain dripping from her voice and I thought back to her face on seeing him, sprawled on my floor. I could see where she was coming from but I kept staring at the wall, hoping that my lack of eye contact would tell her to get out.<p>

"Yep."

"Was his mother home?" _No._

"Yep."

"So she made you guys dinner?"

_No._

"Yep."

"You were out very late Santana," she started and the word was out of my mouth, a sarcastic tone that I couldn't deny using if I wanted.

"Yep."

I heard her pause, take a breath in. She sighed and I almost felt bad, almost wanted to go and curl up in her lap and be a good daughter but I thought of the last person who touched me, how they had touched me and I stayed where I was.

"You know your father and I love you very much." I tried to resist rolling my eyes. At least she was trying and that was a damn sight better than Quinn's alcoholic mom. "And we love each other, and we just want you to be happy."

I dug my nails into the now familiar dents in my wrist. I held my breath and counted ten heartbeats, the numbers filling up my head and bringing my thoughts away from what I had been doing earlier, from what I had been doing the past few weeks with Brittany.

"I am happy Mami," I said to the empty space of wall beside her head. I heard her sigh again and I clenched my hand tighter. She finally walked out, pulling the door closed behind her and I rolled over, ignoring the tears that were trying to slip out. I told myself they were just left over from earlier and nothing to do with the fact that I had blatantly lied to my mum. I pulled my pillow in closer to me and wished for Brittany.

When I heard almost silent footsteps not even an hour later, soft breathing, the steady thrum my body seemed to make whenever she was around, I knew someone had heard me.

"San," she whispered, slipping into the bed beside me and pulling me closer to her than I ever had been. It felt like she wanted to become a part of me, to sink into me and never come back out. With my back pressed that hard against her chest my heart finally found a steady rhythm. "Can we stop being mad at each other now. I don't like it."

I understood what she meant by mad; the way she wouldn't slip into me one finger at a time to make sure I was ready, the way I held her hips down hard enough to leave bruises, the way we got dressed in tense silence after, the way we never curled up with each other anymore, the way we stopped being best friends.

I rolled over, barely able to see her blue eyes in the darkness of my room. I leaned in, breathing in her and the way she smelt and the way her head moved instantly with mine, the way we moved perfectly together. I kissed her, as soft as the first time but without the whispering and giggling Cheerios around us. I kissed her just like the first time, telling her about my fears and my regrets and my feelings and letting her read everything she could from it and I finally understood the difference between the kisses before this had become a game. Back then when we kissed I could feel Brittany reading me, learning me, understanding me better than anyone else; I felt the way she read all the things I could never say. I didn't realise how closed off I had become from her until she gently coaxed the feelings out with her tongue against my own.

"I don't like it either," I whispered against her lips.

Her smile may have lit up the room or something clichéd like that. It may have given me butterflies or something. I definitely didn't smile back the way that only she could make me and I definitely didn't reach for her pinky under the covers, needing to feel her closer.

I kissed her again and clung to her cheeks, pulling her towards me.

Friends did this. Friends could do this.

As long as I kept on screwing Puck there was no way I could be...gay. It was just Brittany, she was different.

"I love you," I heard her whisper so quietly against my collarbone and I tried to pass the single sob off as a cough.

We were just friends.


	9. Chapter 9

**Important authors note: **So this chapter is the tipping point between this story being AU or canon. Originally I had planned to make it canon but at the moment I'm thinking that if I did write in canon the way I have now it would be 5632789 chapters long. I'm going to leave it up to you guys- **would you prefer it in canon and less...story and more just moments or AU and develop the storyline a bit more?**

Disclaimer: I do not own any recognisable characters nor do I own Lion King.

**PS**. LOTS of you guys have put this on alert/favourite so I'm going to ask people to take the time they spend debating whether or not to leave a review to leave a review- even just a really short one. It really does make me happy to know people are reading it and liking the characterization and things like that (or hating it if you want to tell me that...)

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><p>I couldn't feel her lips properly. I knew I should be focussing intently on them, on the way they usually made me feel but I was numb and I couldn't help but let my mind wander to every small thing that had been going on. Cheerios was getting so much harder and I tried to remember the last time I had eaten a proper meal. It had been a while.<p>

She slid up my body, running lips that had made me scream across my neck, lips that had drove me wild, lips that knew my body better than I did, but I felt nothing. Experimentally I moved my hand to touch her cheek, not looking into her curious eyes but at the slight indent of her skin. I pressed harder. I could definitely feel her skin, feel her cheekbone, feel her cheek puckering slightly as I pressed in but I still couldn't _feel _it.

I could feel how her skin moved but I wasn't feeling any type of emotional response. Usually touching her, touching anyone made me feel something inside- guilt, affection, disgust, _something_ but at that moment I was feeling blank. I felt empty and I could barely feel the way my body moved as a consequence. I felt her cheek moving under my touch but I couldn't feel my fingers being pushed back by her cheek.

My hand flew away like it had been burnt when I felt the tiniest bit of moisture slide across my fingers. It was the only thing that had suddenly made me feel for the past few hours and I couldn't shake how her tear felt like it had carved itself into my hand. I wanted to run, to go and take my hand under running water, anything to get the crawling feeling out of it but Brittany was sad and I knew that she came first. She came before anyway, before me.

"Why are you crying?" I whispered, wanting to feel her cheek again, wanting to understand her, wanting to make sure she was real. I tried to keep my voice neutral but the quiet words cracked, betraying the normal mask I was trying to keep up.

"Because you can't."

When I didn't answer, too busy trying to stop myself from telling her everything, she slid off me and started rummaging through her closet. I felt soft wool thrown over my head and by the time I had composed myself and pulled the sweater on, the TV was sending soft light across the room and Lion King was open on the floor. I heard a quiet sniffle making its way through the darkened room and I imagined the way her eyes would look; slightly puffy, tired from the make-up we had wiped off just before, ridiculously blue.

"I don't feel like having sexy times tonight," Britt's voice came out muffled from under the sweater she was trying to pull over her head, day of the week panties I had bought her showing underneath. Tuesday, even though it was Friday. Thursday's was thrown at me, her warm body climbing under the blankets a second later. "So can we just watch Simba?"

I nodded my consent and she pulled me close, the kind of close that I only let her get away with. I let my breathing slow until it was matching hers and slowly felt as my heart started to relax. I felt like I was treading water now, not drowning in emptiness like before. Her fingers pressed against mine softly; just dragging up and down the length and slowly coaxing feelings back into my empty body.

As her fingers started to move higher and higher, more feelings started to creep in. When she glided the tip of her index finger across the soft skin under my wrist I felt sparks instantly heat it up, the tiny warm lights travelling up my arm, fizzling into nothing when her finger pulled away. It was like she knew the effect she was having on me as her hand slowly ran up my arm, the feeling following. My skin was buzzing, like hundreds of fireworks were going off across it, tickling the skin until it felt warm and alive and _touched_. When her hand ran back down the feeling was subdued, like my skin could only be touched by her once and after that the feeling would disappear. I instantly wanted her to touch more of me, every part of me she could possibly reach until I had exhausted all this feeling had to offer.

The higher her hand moved, the less I started thinking about everything. About the panic attacks, about fucking the latest few guys at the last party, about Puck, about Glee club and the stupid spying we had to do for Coach Sylvester. It was only for Brittany that I was there, the only reason I put up with her crazy schemes and demands. I didn't mind when I got to see Brittany smile at everyone's attempts at dancing, her own hips moving deliciously. Her hand moved until it was touching my shoulder and I almost shivered at the soft stroking, the way she made me feel like no one had ever touched me before.

"Britt," I whispered, barely loud enough to be heard over Lion King. I wanted to tell her exactly what I was feeling, the way her fingers dragging across my skin were making me see stars but I didn't think it could be expressed in words. Instead I rolled over, pressing my body into hers until every part of me was touching her skin. I felt the thrumming, warm sensation creep through me until I could feel in right down in my bones. I felt like I was about to start vibrating, burst into the most beautiful flames ever seen.

I leant down until my lips were almost touching hers.

I almost didn't want to move. I could feel the space in between our lips like the fireworks that were going off on my skin before and I could feel my face flushing as a result.

I breathed in.

Breathed out.

Let her fill my senses.

Let her fingers run past my shoulder to my neck making my body come alive.

I suddenly felt normal again, in fact, I felt more than normal, I felt like I was feeling every emotion the emptiness had taken from me in the last hour, hell the last week, in the one touch on my neck. I barely had time to gasp at the feeling before my lips were pressing into hers, trying to pull her closer.

Trying to pull her into me.

"Santana," she whispered and I felt what she was saying, I felt all the emotions that came with that name for her. Her breathing hitched against my lips and I felt the need, the fear, the gentle caress that made me think of things way beyond best friends. As I pushed my lips against hers, my tongue sliding into her mouth, I thought back to our first kiss; wrapped in blankets and innocence. As I moved against her it almost felt like that, the new feeling that wrapped around your stomach and pulled until it felt like you were being lifted off the ground. I hadn't had that feeling since the first kiss, since claiming that we were no more than friends, since fucking Puck and all the guys and to feel it again made me almost pull away. To feel so much all of a sudden was just a little bit overwhelming. I didn't want to think hard about what I was feeling; I wanted to stay in the moment and not make me doubt our already tentative best friends status so instead of just kissing her forever and living in those feelings, I ran my hand down her stomach, so slowly that I could feel all her muscles clenching as I passed them.

"Santana," she repeated, her voice no longer full of emotions but want. I felt the brief thrill of having so much power over her before I remembered who it was. Not one of the boys that I was fucking for control but Brittany. Brittany who knew when I needed to stop and watch Lion King and Brittany who could say more in my name than anyone else could in a life time.

I sunk my fingers slowly into her, my eyes not moving from the way her face looked, the way her expression cast shadows across her cheeks from the wavering light of the movie. When she came I was watching the light dance off her tensing arms and thinking that she deserved someone much better than me.


	10. Chapter 10

**A.N. **Again sorry for the long wait and I know this is short but I hope it's worth it! Please review because I know there are a lot of you out there at least getting alerts for this and I really love hearing from you :)

I decided to take it canon, not because there was overwhelming votes for it (it was about even actually) but because I watched the first and second seasons again and I was reminded why I wanted to write this in the first place. Not because I wanted to make Santana "crazy" but to show how this kind of anxiety/depression can happen in people even if it's not obvious and the more obvious results that we do see- in Santana's case, sleeping with all the boys, getting into fights and getting breast implants.

**Disclaimer:** I own none of these characters, I just take them for a big emotional ride.

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><p>I wanted to lash out, I wanted punch someone in the face, I wanted to scream until my body couldn't take it anymore and it collapsed in on itself. It was all because of that party, that stupid fucking party that had made us feel invincible because Quinn wasn't there to glare at us the minute we got too close. It was like she saw through what we had been hiding, saw the truth in my eyes all that time ago right before I kissed Britt for the first time. Without her as our ever present cock-block, shots of tequila lead to body shots, lead to the both of us sucking either side of a lime, lead to kissing furiously against a shadow filled wall in the lounge room. I hadn't thought much about it then, I had just needed to make out with someone and I just needed to feel the way every part of her body fit against me and feel how her touch lit my skin on fire but that was under the haze of the alcohol. Under the harsh sober glare of fluorescent lights and ten glaring girls, I just wished Q had been there to drag us apart by our ears.<p>

"What are you looking at?" I yelled at one who had the balls to openly gawk as Brittany leant across to my shower, grabbing my body wash and sliding back. I purposely ignored how when she was leaning over the dimples on her back were emphasized and how tiny and soft her waist looked. Instead I glared at anyone who dared to make eye contact until Quinn came in, yelling insults at everyone. The try-hard Sylvester act usually pissed me off but I used it then as a distraction to glare at Britt when her fingers brushed against my hip as she returned the shower gel. I tried to focus on what Quinn was yelling but all I could smell was Brittany the way she smelt after showers at my house, curled up in bed with me, our wet hair slowly soaking the pillow.

"Did you have fun making a total spectacle of yourselves?" her startling cold voice called from outside the showers. I hated feeling more vulnerable than her so I wrenched the taps off, grabbing my towel and stalking out.

I tried to not get tangled up in my towel and clothes but Fabray wouldn't stop blabbing on about how Cheerios had to maintain an image that was a _great big lesbian_ image and my anger was starting to boil over. I could feel my hand shaking and I kept my back to her so she couldn't see the watery look my eyes had gotten over the top of my anger. I wasn't a lesbian anyway; lesbians dressed like men and liked Tegan and Sara and played golf and okay maybe I did one of those but the girls were really good singers.

"Shut your trap, Fabray. Just because you have a stick shoved up your ass and can't have fun doesn't mean the rest of us can't let loose."

That shut her up and I almost felt bad when I saw the redness around her eyes, the kind make-up couldn't quite hide but I had make-up covering my own bags under my eyes so I gave up on the sympathy and just tuned out yet another rant about how we would be 'punished' if she ever found out we did it again.

"Ooh, being punished is fun," Brittany said, finally turning off her water and stepping out into the room. I tried to tell her off for bringing up sex when Miss. Prissy Virgin Queen was telling us off but the words got sucked out of my throat when I saw her walking to her locker completely nude. She still had tiny beads of water on her skin, turning to rivulets as she walked and disturbed them and it took all of my energy to turn away. I wondered if Quinn would be mad if I just strode over and took Brittany against the lockers. It might do the uptight girl some good; release some of her pressed sexual desires. Although I also had a sneaking suspicious Quinn was a robot and had none at all.

"Brittany, put some clothes on," Quinn growled from where she was standing stock still, her gaze averted as if a sight of Brittany's amazing body would kill her. Well it was definitely doing strange things to me so maybe it was best if she covered up. "And Santana if I see this again I'll tell Coach Sylvester and then you'll be kicked off the Cheerios."

I wanted to lash out, I wanted punch someone in the face, I wanted to scream until my body couldn't take it anymore and it collapsed in on itself. Why was it suddenly my fault? Why was it me who was taking advantage of poor innocent Brittany? Why was it up to me to stop it when Brittany was the one without a shirt on, licking across my breasts as she pushed me into the kitchen bench?

I grabbed my bag, finally dressed and marched out of the change room, ignoring a fuming Quinn and a half dressed Brittany, her wet hair leaving dark patches across her uniform and making me want to go back and hold her and kiss her until Quinn finally gave up and left us alone.

Instead I ran out to the parking lots and jumped into Puck's car, glad that for some reason he felt the need to spark up at the same time I desperately wanted to. He handed me a half smoked joint silently and I sucked it in, the heat burning and making the cold of the rain I had just run through seep away.

After another half a joint had gone between us Puck rested his head back, covering his face with his arms and I felt the confession that he had wanted to say slowly pull its way out of his mouth.

"Quinn's pregnant," he said and I choked on the smoke, forgetting for a second to breathe. "And it's mine." All of a sudden I lost any coherent train of thought and cracked up laughing. I laughed until tears slowly fell out the corner of my eyes and I kept laughing so I wouldn't cry. This was Puck's emotional moment, I wasn't going to cry and try and take it but the fucking chastity queen had been lecturing me and Britt's just moments before about maintaining the perfect image and controlling our sexual selves when really she was running around screwing random guys.

"You fucking cheated on me," I finally spat out, not enough mirth in my words for how much I should care. He looked at me, a little lost but understanding that I was moving his mind along, making sure he didn't get stuck on this.

"Don't act like you haven't been screwing Brittany silly this whole time."

"How did you know?" I asked cautiously. Just because it was Puck didn't mean I was totally cool with talking about it...her.

"Because a bunch of us guys were watching you two on Saturday and one guy said that if he were to have a threesome with the two of you, he'd feel left out. No one kisses like the two of you do Lopez, not unless they've got some serious down time in the bedroom going on."

I was high enough that the words didn't bother as much as they should; the smoke was getting denser and my usual panic seemed to be lost among the streams of white I was steadily blowing out.

"What was his name?" I asked casually, my mind still mulling over the fact that Quinn was knocked up but my mouth running ahead. I would sleep with him, make sure he never said anything that might be taken as me or Britts being...different ever again.

"Do you ever feel like you're just dreaming, like you're not even awake while you're doing things, like you're not awake until someone touches you?" I said, thinking about the way Brittany's hands felt sliding against my skin, the burning making me live in the moment more than anything else did. Puck wasn't answering me at all though, and when I looked over at him I felt something inside me...care. He had his hands back covering his face, tears evident even through his rough fingers. I wanted to comfort him somehow but I didn't know how these things worked; with Britt everything just fell into place but with Puck, we just screwed regularly and I only knew one way to comfort him.

When I kissed him it was bitter-sweet. His lips were harder than usual against my own, his tongue deeper, like he could find the answer to this problem just by kissing me but I could also feel the tear tracks, taste the salt against his lips, feel the desperation in his hands. Just for a second I felt odd, out of my body, and like I was kissing myself. I knew I held the same kind of tension in my jaw, the same desperate hands late at night when I was trying to convince myself that Brittany was no different to the other guys. I felt, for a second, like Brittany and what it felt like to kiss someone who was trying to wish they weren't there.

I was out of the car and back in the rain in a second.

I needed to find Brittany.

My hands were shaking as I got my phone out, the screen coming out at me in what almost felt like 3D and reminding me what I had just been doing in the car. School had finished an hour ago, Cheerios practice moved to an unreasonable time in the morning because the gym was being painted or some shit. Point was that Brittany might have walked home already, might have thought that I had forgotten her, had left her behind and gone home.

A few tears mixed with the rain at the thought but I blamed the drugs.

"San, you're in the rain."

Her voice sounded amazing, like the texture of cheesecake in your mouth and I turned to see her standing just inside the main doors of the stupid school.

"Brittany I want to kiss you," I said suddenly and I could tell by the glint in her eyes that she knew just as well as me how high I was but I didn't care. I had gotten this plan in my head and I needed her now.

"That's good sweetie, but you should get out of the rain."

In the next second she had stepped out to get me, the rain making her hair so much darker and her eyes seem even more blue. When her fingers connected with my arm, instead of following her passively I pulled her closer, running my hands across the bits of hair that had fallen out of her ponytail during the day. Then slowly, slower than I had ever moved towards her before, I brought our lips together. She was so warm as I pressed against every part of her I could and before I could remember the plan of going slow, my tongue was pressing against hers, feeling the soft warmth and the burn that only she could give me.

I didn't kiss her all..you know...gay...but I did kiss her like I did before I forgot about being best friends, I kissed her like she was the most important person in the world, like I never wanted to stop kissing her, like she deserved. I thought about us, kissing in the rain so passionately and that we would be right at home in one of those stupid emotional romantic movies. I ran my hands through her soaked hair, down her body to rest at her waist and tried to ignore the sinking feeling when I realised that no, the two of us could never be at home in a movie where the guy always got his girl.


End file.
